UK Diaries I: Hail Britannia

By Will Averill

Tuesday, February 8, 2005

A lot of people, when informed that I'm currently residing in the UK ask if I enjoy living in London. While I'm sure the question is asked with the best intentions, it's roughly the equivalent of someone from Britain asking a Lawrencian if they enjoyed living in Chicago. This lack of geographic subtlety makes us all look bad, and since I know that if there's one thing we Lawrencians strive for, it's an erudite world knowledge with a light hint of world-weariness, we simply cannot have these sort of blanket statements--"So do you enjoy living in London?" thrown out willy nilly.

But never fear, for here comes the edumacation.

The UK Diaries, because it has your best interests at heart, will be bringing you the truth about the UK, both on a national and local level, providing histories and wacky tales, and generally ensuring that when you run into that hot exchange student from Bath, you can say "Ah, don't you mean Aquae Sulius, the former Roman city which sits on the banks of the Avon, and boasts the architecture of 1,600 years of Christian history?" and score, instead of saying "That's cool, I took a Bath just this morning" and spending the night with a cold burrito and your own, even colder, shame.

Lets start with the basics--England, Britian, the UK? What the hell do you call it?

The United Kingdom (or UK for you hep cats) is short for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. This covers the whole mess of it--see map below--and its flag is the Union Jack. If you're unsure of where a person is from, but you know it's gotta be somewhere English-like, ask them if they are from the UK. This avoids those nasty little social gaffs, like asking someone from Northern Ireland if he's from Hertfordshire, which is likely to get you blown up.

The UK used to have several other colonies, but one day they woke up and thought "You know, exploiting foreign nations really makes us look bad, and feel guilty about ourselves." so they gave them all back one day before you were born. Except Northern Ireland, which Margaret Thatcher (see "The Many Faces of Ronald Regan", Vol 2. pg. 2-2.5) was desperate to hold on to, because she wanted "One them bloody leprechauns." Northern Ireland is important to the United Kingdom, as tourists flock to see it's glorious mud flats and terrorists--wait, I mean freedom fighters, I mean, oh, I just don't know what to call them these days.

Great Britain is the famous isle itself. Consisting of Scotland, England, and Wales, this tiny island houses a whopping 54 million residence in an area that's slightly smaller than Oregon. It has a much, much cooler flag than Oregon, though--see comparison below--and could totally kick Oregon's ass in a fist fight, especially if Great Britain had a few too many and Oregon was looking at it funny. There are 885 people per square mile in Great Britain, compared with 35.6 people per square mile in Oregon, which means you have to deal with 849.4 more assholes a day, assuming you don't take the bus more than a mile away! Great Britain is known for it's main exports--military canon fodder and Monty Python. A jet stream from the North Sea keeps Great Britain temperate and pleasant during the summer, providing perfect growing conditions for the National Flower--The Rose. During the winter, blasting-hell-damp-wind-suffering swings in like a mad pimp, hollering at England, "Bitch, where my money at?" and causing the nation's poor chimney-sweeping children to freeze. Won't someone think of the children?

England "Who's yo Daddy?"--By far the most densely populated of the British Isle's "countries," England boasts 47 million people, or 80% of the UK's population. This is because they are no longer allowed to ship their poorest people to Scotland and Wales, and the only criminals they ship to Australia anymore are there to play test matches in Melbourne. England is usually divided into five areas whose competing warlords joust for land and fame. These areas are--

* The South-East--Home of London, and the "Home Counties," the area has the reputation for being posh (upper-class) and miserable. This reputation is unfair, as there are miserable people all over the UK; but the ones from the South-West have clearer accents. People from the South-East believe they are the only civilized people in the entire UK. They may be on to something.

* The South-West--Also occasionally known as "The West Country," this area features some of the most beautiful rolling hills and historic buildings in the Southwest of England. They're known for Lorna Doone, cider, and eating faggots. Sometimes with potatoes...

* The Midlands-- If the South East is the Head of England, and the Yorkshires the Heart, then The Midlands are the Colon. Doing a lot of hard work in an area that's generally miserable and regarded as mostly unnecessary, the Midlands have gotten a reputation for being a sprawling concrete industrial nightmare. The big cities in the Midlands are Leicester, Birmingham, and Coventry; cities are slightly more modern than the "older" cities of the East and South, providing modern luxuries like adequate parking, and highways that you can go faster than 40 mph on. Shakespeare was born somewhere around there at some point.

* East Anglia --East Side, beeyach. Home of Norwich, where yours truly now resides, "Anglia" is actually from the Viking word for "We landed where??" and consists of the counties Norfolk and Suffolk. The area is known for the Fens, which Carol Churchill immortalised in her play "A Two Hour Fucking Long Nightmare About Whiny Potato Farmers," and the Norfolk Broads, one of which I married.

* The North--The true Industrial centre of the UK, the North features the rolling hills of Yorkshire, the Lake Country (where poets like Tennyson, Shelly, and Byron would often gather, penning prose and trying to get laid), and the Gateway to Scotland (electrified). The major cities of the North (Newcastle, Manchester, Liverpool) are known for friendly people, easy women, and men with hats pulling things out of the earth. Modern works on tourist destinations like Hadrian's wall have helped to keep out Pict and Scot invasions over the past ten years, significantly increasing property values and adding to the prosperity of the area.

Scotland--"Och, Aye, Yah Wee Jebby"--Consisting of the Northern bit to the North of North England, Scotland has a long and proud heritage, which you can buy at affordable prices on the streets of Edinburgh. Known for kilts, bagpipes, whiskey, haggis, and the Loch Ness Monster, this country has stood up to the English more times than one could count, and emerged victorious when eventually after 500 years or so England decided it just wasn't worth it. Scotland consists of two areas--the Lowlands, where the majestic royal seat of Edinburgh stands close to the sprawling cultural centre of Glasgow; and the Highlands, where Scots send their elderly to die when they can no longer contribute to society. Once you wash the woad off of them, the Scottish are a friendly and amusing people. The Scottish Flag of St. Andrew makes up the diagonal white bands of the Union Jack.

Wales--"Come and Get Us. I Dare you. C'mon. Please?"--Though a significant part of the Island's geography, the Welsh have somehow managed to remain independent after all these years. I have yet to hear a coherent explanation of why this is, but I think it's because they're stubborn and good at hiding up in the hills, drinking, and killing people. The Welsh have a wonderful sense of humor, and won't be afraid to play little jokes like hiding your keys, or stabbing you in the face. The Welsh have their own language, called Welsh, which sounds like Yiddish with a cold. Note the attractive Welsh woman on their national flag...

There, Timmy, I just wrote your paper for you. Using this new found knowledge, you can now safely go out into the world and feel positive about your knowledge of the UK, Great Britain, and England. And you can stop fucking asking me if I live in London. Seriously. Until next time, as we say in the old country--Cheerio!

Source Material:

50states.com

quickfacts.census.gov

flags.net

cia.gov

statistics.gov.uk

netstate.com

tiscali.co.uk

wikipedia.org

Logo courtesy of explodingdog.com

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Posted by simon (Simon Willison) on February 8, 2005 at 8:42 a.m. (Suggest removal)

As a not-so-hot former exchange student from Bath, I can confirm that the above pretty much sums us up :)

Posted by quinno (Patrick Quinn) on February 8, 2005 at 10:15 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Yes yes yes that's all vy interesting, but what's it like to live in London?

Posted by monkeywrench (Tim vonHolten) on February 8, 2005 at 10:36 a.m. (Suggest removal)

which area boasts that charming pirate accent?

Posted by lazz (anonymous) on February 8, 2005 at 12:02 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hey Will, good stuff, but in regards to geographic sublety and erudite world knowledge, your map shows the D-Day forces storming ashore in Brittany -- a battle plan that is probably being devised at this very moment deep inside the Pentagon, but not, in fact, the one created for Operation Overlord, which took aim on the beaches of Normandy, the adjacent coastal administrative district east and north of Brittany. The landing beaches were on the other side of the Cherbourg Peninsula -- straight down from the "Y" of "Day" written on on your map.
A minor point, because in modern times we would certainly all storm ashore in "Guiness Place" ...

Posted by Joel (Joel Mathis) on February 8, 2005 at 1:02 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Lazz, are you suggesting that Will is a geographical hypocrite -- calling us less cosmopolitan folk to account for the shortcomings of our knowledge about the English countryside whilst blithely ignoring important thingamajigs in France?

For shame, Will, for shame.

Posted by lazz (anonymous) on February 8, 2005 at 1:16 p.m. (Suggest removal)

No, Joel, of course not. I would never suggest such a thing about about our friend in London.
I am merely agreeing with him that France continues to be irrelevant, no matter how very near sincere Condi forces herself to become while playing nice in Paris ...

Posted by SarahSota (anonymous) on February 8, 2005 at 3:33 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Best blog ever!

Posted by manofleisure (anonymous) on February 8, 2005 at 9:37 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Young Master William,

I am thrilled with the cultural/geographic/foodstuff info-bits that you provide for we stuck in a snowstorm hoping feebly that school will be called off.

What I am looking for, though, is more of the actual types of individuals living on the tiny island nation(s). Like say: soccer toughs, scooter gangs, Page 3 devotees, and cubicle drones. If, as you claim, there are more assholes to deal with, perhaps we could meet some more of them. So, while I am glad Timmy's paper is done, how about doing mine already.

Best. ML

Posted by UKept (anonymous) on February 9, 2005 at 7:07 a.m. (Suggest removal)

quinno--It's like having your protaginist's girlfriend replaced by a dog...

monkey--I checked this one out for you, and the "pirate" accent is native to a guy named Ian from Stoke on Trent. He's spent years working perfecting it, and wants everyone to know that he's an "Aaarrrright guy."

lazz--I stand both corrected and chastised by your astute observations regarding the precise lines of attack on D-Day. I hope this goes to show everyone the importance of NOT drawing up your battle plans in MS Paint. However, I would argue that in retrospect, if I had me some invading to do, it would be much more fun to invade Britany then a bunch of big Germans. I'd be all "Whoops, I did it again" on that W. W. II ass.

Joel--What's France? (and bonus points for shame, for shame)

ML--My intent with the UK Diaries is to make it a precise and pointed analysis of stuff in the UK. I shall start off by dissecting big thingys, like geography and history and stuff, and then I'll get to like people and you know--other type thingies. All this will be well documented with appropriate links to www.yourethemannowdog.com where I get all my facts.
So watch this space.

Posted by quinno (Patrick Quinn) on February 9, 2005 at 12:56 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Will--

You are a cold, heartless man.

May I suggest that you settle upon "thingy" or "thingie" as a conventional spelling. I became quite confused. And you better not start spelling "theater" as "theatre." If you start spelling like a Brit, we're gonna have to rumble.

I owe you a letter in response to Reflections on Puddles.

Posted by manofleisure (anonymous) on February 9, 2005 at 1:28 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Mr. Will,

I must say that the You the Man site was one of the funnier things I have witnessed on the web in several moons, nearly as funny as the category TheRapist on celebrity Jeopardy. I do so enjoy your missives from that side of the drink, no matter how often you refer to your own small "thingy."

Cheers,
ML

Posted by UKept (anonymous) on February 10, 2005 at 1:07 a.m. (Suggest removal)

ML--my small thingy has gotten me where I am today.

Posted by pissykitty (Melissa Lynch) on February 28, 2005 at 6:28 p.m. (Suggest removal)

i love this blog. thank you for educating us. i live near chicago so i just tell people i live there. if i said i lived in naperville, youd be very confused. but seriously, this is excellent. im going to frame it and put it on my wall...

UK Diaries I: Hail Britannia

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